At this point, I want to leave my general audience and
speak to the person who has been married to me from the
beginning. Through my rising and my falls, he has been
there, having no choice in the matter but to follow. He was
there before I had a wife, career, felony, addiction, and even
a mother. He was there during every crime, every lie, every
accolade; he was there for every rejection, every missed
meal, missed hug; he was there for every broken promise,
every fit of rage, times of confusion, every fear, and every
insecure moment. I’m speaking of the six-year-old Marvin.
As the adult Marvin engages in a conversation with the
six-year-old Marvin, I challenge you, the reader, to listen
with your eyes and process through your heart, as I bleed
my emotions through the ink on these pages.
To the six-year-old Marvin, I want to start by saying
that “I’m proud of you.” You were an overcomer, a mighty
warrior in the making. No one had deemed it necessary
to apologize to you for the chaos that you were thrown
into. I wasn’t there for you like you have been there for
me, and that’s because you were me in the making. You
deserve an apology, and since one never came, I’ll give you
one. I’m sorry that you were rejected, left to feel unlovable
and inadequate. Your parents didn’t just abandon you, they
abandoned us. I’m sorry for not being able to speak up for
you and say, “Stop,” when that grown lady warped your
perception of sex by making you perform oral sex on her. I
wish I was there to advocate your need for at least one of
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your biological parents to stick around and express their
love for you. Things would have been different if I was
there to tell them to stop using your mother’s addiction as
a disciplining tool against you, injecting hate, and creating
a monster’s image of her because she didn’t know. Six-yearold
Marvin, it would have been on if I could have told those
piss-poor examples of men to get the hell away from you
and grow up. It wasn’t your fault that people expected you
to show a higher level of appreciation for them providing
the basic necessities that kids around you were receiving.
They expected for you to have the rationality of an adult,
understanding their acts of generosity by the constant
reminders that your mother didn’t want you. It was all an
act of cowardice, grown men punching a little kid in the
chest and daring you to cry as if you would crack a wider
smile with every blow. Li’l Marvin, I know it was crazy to
have been shuffled from home to home as if you were a
produce item instead of a person, not knowing where to
unpack your clothes or for how long. All the while I could
sense the anger and hostility building in you as you watched
the people around you turn a blind eye and a deaf ear.
Now that I have apologized for what has happened to
you, Li’l Marvin, I hope you understand it wasn’t your fault.
It is true that you were dealt some bad cards, but guess
what? You made it! Since I’m the biggest benefactor from
you making it, to you I say, “Thank you.” Li’l Marvin, I
need for you to understand that I will be eternally grateful
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Marvin James
for your resiliency; it’s because of you that I write the words
I do now. I have always loved you and admired your ability
to take a serious situation and turn it into comedy. The
fuel that your anger provided burned past the superficial
accolades of mere spectators, who clapped for what I have
accomplished and sneered at my humanity. I don’t want you
to take this wrong, but I want to communicate accurately.
This is in no way a diplomatic method of me rejecting
you, abandoning you, or pushing you out of my life. Li’l
Marvin, I simply give you permission to go and play. What
has happened to you is considered yesterday, but I’m here
today. Li’l Marvin, you don’t have to be afraid or wonder if
I’ll be here when you return. No one is going to hurt you;
I’m here now to protect you. There is no need for you to
arm yourself with anger or wrap yourself with a coat of
insecurity. The feelings of not belonging has hindered us
from allowing positive people into our life and lured me
to place heavy decisions on your lap, and that wasn’t cool.
I want you to feel something you have always needed but,
for various reasons, it has evaded you. I need for you to
feel freedom and love. As much as I desire for you to feel
acceptance, love, and freedom, I cannot feel those feelings
for you. My survival depends on your decision to trust me
with protecting you and keeping you safe. By the way, Li’l
Marvin, did I mention that I have six adorable kids? Well,
two of them are grown, but I guess you never stop being
a kid to your parents. I need for you to trust me because
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135
I cannot continue to prove my loyalty to you for other
people’s mistakes and simultaneously love the woman who
loved me at a time when I didn’t love you or me. One thing
is for certain, Li’l Marvin, the both of us cannot and will
not act in the role of the adult. You have been robbed of so
much time of being a child, so you go ahead and be one.
Me, on the other hand, I’ve spent too much time being a
child, so I’ll go ahead and be the adult. Sounds fair? Li’l
Marvin, are you listening? This is very important for the
both of us; we need to be on the same page. There will be
times when people fail you; that’s because they are people.
There will be times when our plans fall through the crack,
because plans are based around the future and no man
controls that. There will be times when people close to us
leave; that’s because they added all they could to our life and
we added all we could to theirs. There will be times when
people come into our lives for different reasons, but we will
always be consistent by treating them with love. Finally,
there will be times when you feel all alone, but those are the
times that our Heavenly Father wants to spend with us. Li’l
Marvin, I love you, man.
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